you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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