The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
