I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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