if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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