And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
