last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I wear drunk well.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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