Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
