i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
