I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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