i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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