oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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