I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
