I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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