just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
