My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
