i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
