My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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