I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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