My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
