One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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