oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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