He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
