new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
