Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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