he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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