I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
