seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
