And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
