Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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