you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
