my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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