His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
