Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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