I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
