new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
