her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
