Need sex. Gaining weight.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
