so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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