apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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