the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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