haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
