and next time when you feel me up, do it right
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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