I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it because I queefed?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
3pm strippers are depressing
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
