What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
