is your mom at the bar?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
