I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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