she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
