I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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