OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
