I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have already put on my inside pants.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He did a backflip because drugs
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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