my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
