U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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